I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Randomize
