how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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