bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Randomize
