Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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