you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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