If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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