My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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