My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Randomize
