yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
