dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
