i jhust puked up my retainher.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
