literally had 100 drinks last night.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!�
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
so much tequila, so little girl.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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