I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Randomize
