how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
