you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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