On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
