plz talk dirty to me
when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Your cock deserves a montage
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
