You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
