Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Randomize
