I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
