how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.�
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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