I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
