We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Randomize
