I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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