just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
