heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
