You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
You left your phone here
Wait...
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