The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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