So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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