I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
