WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
