The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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