Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Randomize
