Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
