I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
