Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize
