I hate all girls vehemently.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
