Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
