I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Randomize
