Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
