You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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