the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
