Your face is a jimmy john
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
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