Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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