Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Acid is not a monday night drug
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Randomize
