so that wasnt chicken after all
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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