chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
