Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
