we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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