i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
