You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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